I’ve been feeling lost. Somewhere between content and restless I’ve seemed to find myself.
Here I am with a million things I would like to be doing and I’m doing maybe two of them, if I’m lucky. I want to do more of what I love, see things I don’t give myself time to see.
I want to live.
Between my crushing mental issue of something not yet diagnosed and the demands of modern society I am trapped. I am a zoo elephant knowing I truly don’t belong where I am for here is far too cold and harsh. I feel destined for something, yet I don’t know what.
This is a rambling post, but it is to seek advice and to let others know that they aren’t alone when they feel like this.
Mainly I feel trapped due to the one thing that seemingly makes the world go round- money. In all its ugly glory. I am no longer satisfied by being average. I don’t want to be a robot that gets up and goes to a soul crushing job it hates, to then go home and sleep.
We weren’t born to just pay bills and die.
Now I feel like that is all I’m doing. I attempt to make time to enjoy in little pleasures like reading, writing, and spending time with Evan but it’s just not enough. For once I want to spend my days doing something I enjoy and be able to pay my bills in the process. No quick-scheme applied.
It’s part of the reason I’ve been MIA all week. I feel like I am in a shell waiting for my anxiety and sadness to lessen so I can break free. Every time I try I fall deeper into it. I feel like I am going to implode. I’ve tried to keep Evan informed of how I’m feeling, but it’s hard to drag someone else down with you. I start classes again soon, maybe that and NaNoWriMo will help.
I just wish I had the strength to leave my bed today.